Santa Barbara's Finest pt. 1

When I say the words, ‘election day’ what comes to mind?

Politics? Freedom? The greatest tradition in confusing democratic practice?

Those are all typical responses from the cookie-cutter, Texas based textbook teachings type I’d expect to be reading this blog. A blog that by all means is grounds for any constitutional lawyer to reverse Amendment I. But after I finish this story you’ll know why election-day is synonymous with arrogance, suffering and a disregard for all levels of reason.

November 2, 2004. I was in a news writing class at Santa Barbara City College and I had to cover the election for my class. I attended party for democrats downtown. I was actually just covering the representative race, but the Bush Kerry race was dominating the mood.

When I got home I pulled out my laptop, the same one I write this story on now. It was about 1:30 a.m. and I had written my article, with only a need for a quick run-through edit to catch any more errors. All of a sudden, all of my roommates busted through the door, drunk as a group of Italians on Columbus Day.

They had apparently been partying at the students’ apartments, not far from where we lived. They were all covered in light, ashy soot. They had been trashing some dudes’ apartment who had recently heard that his deposit was ‘not fucking his anymore.’

Three days later we had a party at our house. Trust me, it wasn’t to celebrate Bush’s victory. A lot of random people showed up to the house, which was normal, but one dude with the most prominent and ridiculous bird nose was bothering EVERYBODY. Kicking in the bathroom door, talking shit and then walking off, scaring hot chicks away, this type of guy, while generally hilarious, is also generally unwelcome in our house.

Santa Barbara's Finest pt. 3

It wasn’t until the following day, after school, that I found out a funnier part of the story. My roommates had been kicking holes in the wall and decided to go for the big hit:

Remember how bird nose called Doss a ‘little fuck’? He wasn’t lying. The guy is like 5’ 3” and looks like a cross between Bart Simpson and Bushwick Bill. Anyway everybody picked him up (per his request) and held him horizontally at about waist height to ram his head through the wall.

************************************************************************************

Back to bird nose. Bird nose did a line in when everyone left him in Doss' room. He came into the living room and had his finger in his gums and a puzzled/terrified look on his face.

“What the fuck was that shit?”

The group stared in disbelief had this really just happened?

************************************************************************************

Back to three days ago:
Right before they rammed Doss, another house guest stopped everyone and pulled away a piece of the dry wall, revealing an electrical box. Doss was shocked. He grabbed the piece of dry wall as a memento to the stupid things people tend to do when coke is involved.

************************************************************************************

Back to Bird nose:
Someone had to tell bird nose, he may have needed medical assistance.

“You just did a fucking line of DRY WALL you stupid fuck!”

“Oh shit, oh man I’m fucked up!”

I think that was the first time I've ever laughed heartily and nervously at the same time. Heartily because, well, he did a line of dry wall. Nervously because, well, he might soon be dead.

So what does this tell us about election day?

That drugs, lies, backdoor deals and destruction of property are just as much a part of politics as they are college? No, you already knew that, you savvy reader you.

Does it tell us that, scientifically speaking, people with bird noses are genetically pre-disposed to cocaine use and maybe a Freudian nasal infatuation (speculative theory, not documented)?. No, that’s total bullshit.

It tells us that coke heads go on to snort many things: Meth, dry wall and the American Constitution (Figuratively).