Al Davis, I love what you're doing

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While I was hoping the raiders would pick up Drew Bledsoe mid-season last year, Daunte Culpepper will do just fine. Looks like the raiders are setting up for another satisfyingly terrible season.

This is just one of many hilarious things happening with the raiders, including: Warren Sapp trying to lose weight, Robert Gallery starting at Left Guard and Art Shell returning in 2006 as head coach after being fired in 1994, only to be fired again at the end of his first regular season. I’m loving life as an avid Raider-Nation hater, Niner fan and most importantly, a hater of Al Davis and his 'love of the long ball' (see: picking JaMarcus Russell over Calvin Johnson) in general. This actually makes a nice segway into a discussion about Al Davis’ mission to single-handedly destroy the ‘most winningest team in the NFL.’

I recently found out Davis is a huge fan of Japanese culture, the way of the samurai and oriental teachings*. Sounds strange, but in a roundabout way it explains his uncanny ability to make a bad team worse. It’s INTENTIONAL.

Davis is all too keen to the fact that he doesn’t have much time left. Everyone knows that if you were to cut Davis in half horizontally and count the rings you’d see that he was already older than most at the Dawn of Man. He has seen kingdoms come and go, famines and plagues decimate his family and friends, and the Great Depression all but nullify his stocks in copper.

All this has lead to Davis’ brain being left in a ‘questionable’ state. Davis is now convinced that being an NFL GM is the same as being the Pope, a Supreme Court justice or third-strike offender in California state prison: It’s For Life.

Davis is also convinced that the NFL works much like the days of feudal Japan. Once an emperor was replaced, his entire family would be disposed of, so the Earth could be cleansed of their shamed and terrible seed*. So, naturally, Davis is worried for his loved ones, the same loved ones that tend his withered body as he sits in his giant throne made of a hollowed out redwood tree in his home in Walnut Creek, CA.

Davis has only one solution. Kill the team he once loved. Davis is doing everything in his power to stop the raiders from winning, and it’s working. Davis is trying to make the raiders so incredibly bad that the only fans that show up are the nutjob raider nation fans. There is a good chance they’ll end up killing a player—probably Damon Huard—and forcing the NFL to disband the raiders and remove them from football history, thus saving the Davis family line from the imaginary assassins that keep Davis tossing and turning all night in his Hyperbaric oxygen chamber.

If the team is gone, Davis can’t be replaced, and his family lives on!

Bravo Davis, with your grip on reality slipping all I can do is watch the raiders go the way of the XFL and replace the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers as not only the worst team in the NFL ever, but the worst team in all of professional sports ever. Join me?

*May not be true, refer to wikipedia for actual facts