The Greatest Thing Ever

Two days ago, ESPN.com displayed an article regarding Adam "Pacman" Jones' recent return to the athletic world, as the newest member of TNA Wrestling. I didn't read this entire article, because they missed the point entirely. This is the greatest thing to happen to wrestling since Mae Young gave birth to a human hand. If you understand that reference, you, like me, understand that wrestling is in dire straits. Coupled with Chris Benoit's recent, um, problems, wrestling hasn't had a marquee name in ages, contributing to a fairly steep downfall in fan support. Part of this can be attributed to the crossover star power of many wrestlers, The Rock going the way of Hollywood, Brock Lesnar going to MMA, Stone Cold dealing with back problems and those pesky "domestic abuse" charges, whatever that means. The bottom line: wrestling is starved for a new star, and John Cena, the white rapping, jort wearing, trucker hat sporting fan favorite is not the answer. Enter Pacman. The beauty of the situation lies in the fact that TNA does not have to cultivate his star power. Pacman Jones is already a commodity, mainly due to his ability to "make it rain", but also due to his ability to incite riots causing innocent bystanders to get shot; semantics. Pacman Jones is great for wrestling, thanks to his athleticism, mainstream appeal, or lack thereof, and most importantly his complete disregard for rational thought. But what could be even more compelling than all this? There is a 97.3% chance that nobody has told Pacman that wrestling is fake, or scripted as they may say in the industry. Considering Pacman's recent history, there is a 93.5% chance that he is under the assumption that for the next year he gets to fight people for a living. That means there is a 97.8% chance that Pacman Jones will in fact murder somebody in the ring. I believe this factual scientific evidence gives this blog validity. This is the realization that I have come to. The most irrational, dangerous, angry player in the NFL, probably in all of sports, is about to join Total Nonstop Action Wrestling (yes that is what TNA stands for), and wrestle roided out white guys in their 30's with the health of men in their 70's in front of trashy mid-westerners in their 40's. I smell an Emmy. Could this get any better? Yes it can. In my research, and by research I mean I went to Google and found any thread stating wrestling salaries, I found that in recent years, Triple H made an annual salary of $2.5 million, Stone Cold at his peak made $5 million, and the Rock pulled in $10 million. Although these are lofty goals for Pacman, with the dedication that he has shown in his steadfastness to attend strip clubs at all hours of the day in the face of adversity and scorn by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, he could very well become the next main event in modern day wrestling. This of course means that potentially, Pacman could become a full time wrestler and become a fixture in wrestling culture, which is to say, don't be surprised if three months from now Pacman weighs 297 pounds and has stretch marks on every muscle in his upper body. I'm shaking with excitement. Good luck Pacman, for the sake of all disenchanted wrestling fans around the world, don't kill anybody before you get in the ring, otherwise we're going to have to continue longing for the days of Kaientai chopping off Val Venis' wiener, a gay marriage involving Mr. Ass, and Triple H drugging Stephanie McMahon and marrying her at a drive through wedding chapel.